Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Letter from Mommy

To my sweetest Karalyn:

How I miss you already. My heart is so heavy, and my arms are so very empty. I think of how just a week ago you were rolling around in my belly. You were so safe.

Even though your life was so short, you will be with me forever. My heart has been forever changed. I treasure the weeks I was able to carry you, advocate for you, prepare for you, dream for you. I treasure the hour we had with you and the nearly 24 hours we were able to have to cuddle you and stare at your sweet little face, which looks so much like your sisters. You have the same nose as Kenzie, and you look so much like your Daddy.

It’s amazing to me to think that your first breath was meeting Jesus face to face. I know he bent down and scooped you up in His arms. You are safe now little one, in the arms of Jesus. I know you are healthy now. You have a perfect heart and your lungs are breathing in the fresh air of heaven. Though I never heard you cry, I’m sure you are up there now, singing praises to our King. I can’t wait to see your beautiful eyes and find out what color they are. I can’t wait to hear your voice. I can’t wait to lock eyes with you and scoop you up in my arms. Heaven has never felt so real to me as it does now, knowing I have you there waiting for me.

You would love your sisters. They were so excited for you. Kenzie misses you already. She blows bubbles outside and tells me the bubbles are going up to you in Heaven. She even said she’s going to throw up some candy to heaven for you.

I was so ready to fight against your heart defects with you. To beat the odds, to cheer you on and watch you triumph over them. You have battled from the beginning of this pregnancy, and I am so proud of you. Your daddy and I did everything medically available to help you have the best chance at life. I am so sorry it was not enough.

Though this journey did not end how we had prayed, I would do it all over again because you were totally worth fighting for. You are our little girl, our third daughter. You are worth the heartache that we are feeling now. You are worth the tears. You are worth the blood test, the doctor visits, the echocardiograms, the ultrasounds, the worry, the poking and prodding, the amniocentesis, the research, the fetal intervention, the medications and the labor and delivery, even though we only had you for a short time. I know if you had made it, our journey was not going to be easy. It was going to be hard, really hard, and it was going to turn our world as we knew it upside down. I was so ready though. I was ready to have our world turned upside down for you, to take these heart defects by the horns and do everything I could for you. You are worth it.

I know God will bring good from your short life and this journey we’ve been traveling. It’s hard to see through the pain and tears right now, but I know He will redeem this heartache we are overwhelmed by. Your journey, though you are not here with us any longer, is far from over.  I can’t wait to see how God uses your journey to impact other people, to impact me.

It took us awhile to pick out your name. We wanted it to be beautiful and to have a great meaning. Karalyn means “strong; joy; song of happiness”. Elise means “pledged to God”.

This whole journey, we have prayed that God would prepare our hearts for whatever his will ended up being for your treasured little life. He has, in so many different ways. He never left our side, and He is carrying us now. We have the hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ-we will see you again sweet girl. I am forever grateful that we never traveled this road alone. Jesus was there with us the whole time, and He gave us the most amazing support group of friends, family and church family near and far who we are forever indebted to. We had an army of prayer warriors praying on your behalf, many who we have never even met. He blessed us with an amazingly supportive medical team at Children’s Mercy. I have made friends with other heart moms who have supported us through this journey as well. God is near.

Though you are no longer with us, your journey hasn’t ended because you are in our hearts. A piece of my heart will forever be missing. As I sit here I don’t know how the pain and heart ache will ever subside, but I know God will help us heal though there will always be a void in our hearts, there will always be a very real yearning that you were here with us. That we could be watching you grow up.

In the end, you changed my life more than I was ever able to change your life. I pray God would use this journey for His glory.

I will carry you in my heart forever. You will be forever treasured.

We will see you again sweet Karalyn.

Love,

Mommy

2 comments:

  1. Beautifully written. I have never met you, yet tears roll down my face. Your words sound so very similar to my own. Know that you are now alone, and neither is your sweet baby girl. I am so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so very sorry for your loss. The pictures of your last moments are so moving. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete