Saying Goodbye to 2013

I will admit, I have been a crying mess today, and I wasn’t expecting it. Who knew bringing in a new year could bring up so many emotions? Some days the grief is like a quiet, calm ocean-you are always in it, but it’s not wreaking havoc and could actually be seen as something beautiful. Today, the ocean is a bit rough-trying to keep my head above the rough waters.

A few people have said to me that I am probably so ready to start a new year after all we have been through this year. I know my grief will be the same tomorrow as it is today, and changing over from 2013 to 2014 isn’t going to take my grief away, but I am not ready for 2013 to end. It was the year of my sweet Karalyn. We found out we were pregnant with her in 2013. We found out things weren’t “healthy” with her. It was the year of doctor appointments, stepping out in faith and doing the fetal intervention. It was the year of not knowing what each day would bring not to mention what the future held for our sweet girl. It was the year of my third daughter’s birth, holding her as she slipped from this world to the arms of Jesus. It was the year I had to choose whether or not to bury my daughter or have her cremated. It was the year I planned my child’s funeral. It was the year of intense grief, which I know is far from over. It was the year of having our hearts ripped out, shattered into a million pieces, and then having Jesus slowly put the pieces back together. It was the year I found out my faith and the trust I placed in Jesus that began 15 years ago were indeed real, and I had to lean on them more than I had ever been asked to in the past. It’s the year we were called to walk a journey we never thought we would have to walk. It was the year I found my testimony. The year of being refined through the fire. It was the year that has changed me into a deeper and better person. It’s the year of a new outlook on life, a new perspective that only comes with the loss of a child. It’s the year I truly realized that these children I have been blessed with are God’s, not mine, and I have no guaranteed amount of time with them. It’s the year my eyes were opened to the world of pregnancy and child loss as well as congenital heart defects and the battles these little ones (and their families!) are fighting every single day.

I know for certain that blessings and healing are waiting for us in 2014, but I am just not ready to let go of 2013. I have a grip on it that I am having a hard time loosening. To put more distance between me and my sweet girl is just so hard to come to terms with, though I know each day that passes means I am one day closer to seeing her again. It’s just another reminder of how the world keeps going regardless of how I would just like time to stand still a bit longer. Time is clicking away to the new year, and I am desperately wishing I had more time in the year of Karalyn.